


Ballad of Trapper's Absence

by annabeth_roses (annabeth_at_the_helm)



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ballad, M/M, Poetry, Rhyming Poetry, non-explicit mentions of sex, poem, use of the word fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 13:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15389304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth_at_the_helm/pseuds/annabeth_roses
Summary: It's a ballad (well, loosely) about Hawkeye's emotions after Trapper went home.





	Ballad of Trapper's Absence

**Author's Note:**

> Dying to write poetry lately, so I banged out a fic-poem instead!
> 
> Written in 2018.

Absence made Hawk's unruly heart falter,  
remembering that cloud of blond curls.  
Oxygen panted in a gentle whir,  
stitches in 3-o silk won't dare to unfurl.

It felt like cliff-diving, falling for Trapper  
couldn't feel a lick of cold wind  
it wasn't a joke or knee-slapper,  
that feeling that they had both sinned.

Deep in a night of blackberry sours,  
Trap's voice gone so long unheard,  
under the mother of hangovers,  
Hawk was a lonely, lost pining-bird.

Hawk now felt dried and dead,  
because Trap was no longer around  
he couldn't hear the familiar tread,  
And Hawk was a ship gone aground.

Deep in a mouth gone gin-sour,  
and under the abrasive blanket  
his sackcloth breath like a shiver  
a raging hard-on that won't quit.

Hawk is a lost and intrepid drunk,  
and Trap's love no longer resides  
in the stinky but sweet opposite bunk,  
and the nights are too long besides.

If Trapper remembers the sex that they shared,  
he's never sent even a single dumb note,  
and though Hawk saw every inch of skin bared,  
his heart tries to forget—but by rote.

No Christmas gift under the tree,  
after OR for dozens of hours,  
no warm, goofy smile for Hawkeye to see  
underneath meteor showers.

No more soft kisses hidden behind  
the motor pool after post-op dark  
Hawk's heart is engaged but his mind—  
still looking for that silver spark.

No more tender touches to broken skin,  
after all the bar fights they've been in  
no kisses for tender bruises that darken,  
no memories for Hawk that don't pierce within.

In love, like in war, there are others  
whose love he might come to trust  
like the precious bonding of brothers,  
but with Trap it went beyond—to lust.

It's a distraction now that Trap's gone  
like a blackberry thorn in his thumb  
but even though Hawk can't move on,  
his heart refuses the drug, won't go numb.

Sharing post-op duty with Frank,  
things just aren't quite the same  
conspiring with Beej on a prank—  
doesn't douse the old flame.

Of all the liquor Hawk drank,  
with Trapper drunk by his side  
and of all the insults to Frank,  
no goodbye is the worst to his pride.

The supply tent is depressingly vacant  
without Trapper to kiss and to fuck;  
No nurses he wants to be present—  
since Trap went home, everything sucks.

The mess tent still inspires throwing up,  
some things will just never change  
no matter his lover's gone and his cup  
has been given to BJ, a life rearranged.

Charles brings culture to the Swamp  
but Hawk knows what Trap would say  
to all of Charles' snobbery and pomp  
and it fills Hawk with yearning and dismay.

Sometimes Hawkeye just dreams  
about a blue discharge and Trap's face  
and how easy all of it seems  
to lose himself in this terrible place.

Being a surgeon was all Hawk ever wanted  
Until Korea, where things with Trap deepened  
and no matter how much of it they flaunted,  
their relationship couldn't be cheapened.

But now things are wounded and raw,  
no softness left to be found  
like a toothache lodged in the jaw,  
Hawk's love dare not make a sound.

Once in awhile they'd wandered  
away from all prying eyes  
their time alone never squandered  
by talking or fighting or lies.

He'll never forget Trapper's smile  
or all of the joy that he brought him  
he made the whole thing worthwhile  
but without Trapper even the sun's dim.


End file.
